After all these years of watching season after season of “Weeds” and “Dexter” on iTunes or on DVD months after the paid cable subscribers have seen it, I caved. I need to see “the Newmans . . . succeed where the Botwins have failed.” I need to know what Dexter is going to do, now that he can’t avenge Rita’s death – because he kind of already has. I had to have Showtime. Problem: We only have one digital cable box in our house, and it’s hooked up to the living room TV. I generally record TV programs on my MacPro computer using my trusty EyeTV 200 analog cable box. Thus, I made arrangements to add an HD cable box and a Showtime subscription to our system and purchased an EyeTV HD box, which will allow me to receive and record Showtime and other HD programming on my computer.

Friday, we obtained the new digital cable box from Oceanic Time-Warner, and I promptly hooked it up to the MacPro. Showtime HD worked just fine, much to my delight. Then I switched to the programming I was most excited for in HD: sports. ESPN HD was, I knew (from watching it at my cousin’s house), on channel 1222. But Oceanic’s blue screen told me I wasn’t authorized to view this channel. Hmm, odd. How about 1321 (Food Network HD)? Same thing. Grrrr! What is the point of HD if I can’t view sports or food?

So what did I have access to? I decided to keep hitting the channel-up button on the remote to find out. As it turned out, plenty: HBO, Cinemax, Starz, the Big Ten Network (!!!) . . . and at least two channels of, shall we say, programming for mature audiences . . . Yeah, that’s right. I couldn’t get ESPN or Food Network, but I had a couple free p**n channels. Huh?!

By the next afternoon, I was pretty frustrated. I needed my ESPN and Food Network fix. I called Oceanic, and the tech confirmed that I should be receiving these two channels. He pinged my box, and Food Network HD popped up on the screen. So did ESPN HD. Since that covered my basic concerns, I thanked him, politely declined the opportunity to sign up for their phone service (because, seriously, no service in a blackout = fail) and hung up.

A while later, I discovered that I seem to have lost a lot of the, errr, interesting freebies I was getting when I couldn’t see Neil Everett’s face in high-def. Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to get those. Including the Big Ten Network. Or NHL Network. Seriously, those don’t come with the package, but I get ImaginAsian TV and Disney XD HD (in which “The Suite Life of Zac and Cody” is currently on but not in HD)? I’m sorry, did I subscribe to the secret HD Clown Package?!

Clearly, this is just a conspiracy to siphon more money out of my Starbucks fund and into my sports addiction. If that isn’t un-American, I don’t know what is. Also, I don’t know the proper spelling of un-American. :oP